It seems every time I get some down time, I began to reflect and go inward. It is December 25th. Christmas. I had an intention for this post, but as soon as my fingers touch the home row keys on the keyboard, that intention somehow disappeared from my brain. This post has nothing to do with the holidays, I do know that for sure. Now I am sitting here wondering where is this going. I know I had the urge to write. I tend to have this urge around this time of year as it comes to a close. I get into a self-reflection zone and I spill it on paper or my blog. I don’t want to overthink this post. I guess I just need to sort out my feelings.
This year has been (and still is) a crazy ass emotional and mental roller coaster. I’m not about to do a 2020 summary/wrap-up of all the shit that has gone down. However, I can say that I am glad to be here. I am blessed to writing this post. I have an abundant of things to be grateful for, it’s too much to name. God is still doing amazing things in my life and I just wanna walk the path he has laid out for me.
Today, I am at home wandering around the apartment, and wondering about many things in my mind. What my future holds, my present, the legacy I want to leave when I die, the food I’m supposed to be cooking now, the blessings in my life, my current mental and emotional state…just a plethora of things. One of the things that I’ve concluded today is that I am bored with my life. #BOREDAF! I need a freakin’ hobby or something that I enjoy doing, that takes my mind off of whatever is troubling me. I need an escape from the everyday grind. Teaching this year, while in a pandemic, has been the shits and I’m sooooo over it. Let me off this ride! (that’s another blog post for another day). While I’m grateful to be employed, I need an activity to take my mind away from the stress of the job.
I’m going to dedicate 2021 to tapping into my talents and skills. I want to focus on what brings me joy and happiness. I feel I am wasting my potential. I know who I am as a person, and I know my worth, but something is nudging at me. That “something” is untapped creativity that I haven’t fully explored (yet). I’m a Pisces. We are the most creative beings in the astrological universe, so it’s there. Why TF am I not creating shit??? I have wondered about this before and I cannot figure it out. I know I’m a good writer. It is a creative outlet, and I love how I can fully express myself with freedom.
In 2021 this has to change. Life is short, I don’t have time. The world could end tomorrow. We are already in our last days. So yeah, I need to use whatever gift(s) God has given me and make it my life’s work. This is bigger than finding a hobby. My creative work I feel is going to help and heal people in some sort of way. How? That remains to be seen. My life will forever be changed. Let me get to manifesting this thing.
What you see is what you get. At 46, I’m not in the business of trying to please people. I am valuable just as I am. I’ve learned to stay away from things and people that don’t vibe with me. Fuck seeking validation. I don’t need approval from any human.
My time is precious and my peace imperative. I now focus on what matters to me the most, and what’s going to sustain me from now and until I leave this earth. I’m okay with not being the size I was 10 yrs ago. In this stage of my life, I’ve accepted my shortcomings. I’m not the perfect friend, sister, cousin, employee, partner, daughter, or aunt. But I am perfect in God’s eyes. I don’t have it all figured out, by any means and I’m not trying to either.
I just focus on creating a comfortable, thriving retired life, for when that time comes. Being healthy, happy, and living in the moment, being around those who love and care about me, my spiritual well-being, and my relationship with God is all I need to get by in this world.
I know I’m not supposed to question God. We’re supposed to somehow find peace and comfort knowing he is in a better place, The saying, ‘when it’s your time, it’s your time,’ is supposed to help us make sense out of tragedy. This just feels so wrong though. I know God doesn’t make mistakes but knowing Kobe Bryant has been killed in a helicopter crash has been kicking me in the gut. I do not have peace about this, yet.
I’ve been a Kobe Bryant fan since day 1. He was fresh, yet quiet. The more I watched him play, the more I was in awe of that killer instinct on the court. He detested mediocrity and laziness. Work ethic? SICK. He made sure to bust your ass on the court. He was cocky but not obnoxious with it. It was a confident, humble cockiness. He lit it up with a smile 😊. 81 points though? Who TF does that?🤷🏽♀️ Nobody couldn’t tell me nothing bad about Kobe. He did it HIS way and went out like a true legend does.
Yes, nobody is “getting out alive”, but dayum. Not like this. Not him. Not his baby Gigi. I find myself taking deep breaths to shift the weight and energy of it all. Deep inhales and exhales so I won’t feel so consumed by my grief. It is very heavy. Nine whole lives lost in what seemed to be a helicopter that malfunctioned and went down in a crash.
My most deep and heartfelt prayers go out to all the families who lost loved ones on that dreadful Sunday. Nine souls. Gone too soon. I pray that God covers them with comfort, strength, love and light. I cannot come close to imagining how Vanessa Bryant and her the whole family is feeling.
I’m still filled with grief and to be honest, confusion and bewilderment. I guess that would be the “anger stage,” of the 7 Phases of Grief. At some point I’ll get to the “acceptance stage”. But I ain’t there yet. Lord help me.
To try to rationalize or make sense of this horrible tragedy, all I can say is, maybe God wanted to give Kobe and Gianna’s wings early.
Rest in peaceful and heavenly ascension Mamba and Mambacita. 🖤💜💛 Your legacy will forever be etched in my heart. Mamba out. Mamba forever.