Random Wishes

Some days, I wish I had a baby. Be on my mommy shit, taking care of another human being while experiencing all the wonderful things that comes with motherhood.

Then…

Some days, I wish I could be a free spirit. Free as the wind and go where ever my soul is led to go. Fuck a job, bills, and all that other shit. Just be a bum and live outta my car. Go on impromptu road trip adventures and see the country.

I want to be married, some days. Be a whole wife and play house and shit.

Then…

But other days? I just wanna continue being free as bird. Not having anyone to answer to is great. No bullshit worries that come with being with a man, not having to please his ass, have sex with him, cook for him, or catering to his needs is a lovely thing. Just me. I cater to me only. I please me only. Selfish? I don’t know Hell no. I’m chillin’. If I know I’m not ready to share my world with a mate, then I won’t. I’ll enjoy my freedom for now.

Some days, I just want a guy to come over, so I can lay on his lap and he play in my hair while watching “Love Jones” and drinking white wine.

Also…

I wish I had a male friend who would make me laugh while walking through the park, drinking slushies.

Or…

I would like a guy to play cards with, talk shit while eating turkey burger sliders and sweet potato fries. Don’t forget the beer.

Why do these things seem like a fantasy? As if I’ve been watching too many rom-coms or chick-flicks. I don’t care. It’s nice to dream. At least the universe knows now, it’s out there.

Some days, I want to quit my career as a teacher and do something else. I don’t know what that something else is yet though. Being a teacher is stressful at times, with too many fuckin’ demands, and expectations. It tiring saying the same thing over and over and over again. I be drained AF.

Plus,

Some days, I say nah…I’ma stick it out and ride this education thing till the wheels fall off (aka retirement). Push through grad school and become a Ed. Diagnostician.

Lastly,

I wish I had the motivation to lose 90 of the 260 lbs of body fat I carry around everyday. I don’t know why I don’t get moving.

These are the things I want, depending on my mood or which day you ask me. I’m entitled to want whatever…even though sometimes I feel guilty for not being happy for what I have. I am grateful, no doubt. Life has been good to me, but something is missing.

Inspiration: Random Musings & New Beginnings

It’s been awhile. So here goes…

2018 was a year of transition and change. Adjusting to a new normal and beginning a new chapter.

∗I learned a lot about myself and people. I learned that people have expiration dates in your life. Some expire quickly than others. Last year I matched energies. The energy you give to me, is what you will get FROM me. PeriodT. I am not begging for people to be in my life. If you want to go, then go, and stay gone. Thank you (for the experiences), next. My peace is more important than anything.

∗Depression hit me in October. I was functioning, but definitely depressed. Smiling on the outside, but I was depleted and hollow on the inside. Between the demands of school and work, suffering with ankle pain and arthritic knees, I was tapped out. So I retreated. I didn’t do any school work because I just didn’t have the desire to. I felt down about it, to the point it paralyzed me. 

Anyway…

For 2019:

  • I vow to speak about what I love, so that what I love can come to me. 
  • Taking care of my mind, body and soul.
  • I am allowing myself to be mindful, and intentional by journaling and using positive affirmations to keep my inner being afloat and healthy. 

∗Single. Again. It’s my new normal. Why? That’s another post for another day. All I can say is I have no desire to put my time and energies into someone, who may waste my time. In other words: Dating/relationships isn’t on my “to do list”. I’m over it. For now anyway…

I think the key for me is just to keep it simple and not to over-complicate or put too many demands on myself. 

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∗I’m focusing on me. Loving and nurturing my inner being. Celebrating my personal victories, and enjoying my peaceful space I’ve created. 

∗Teaching life is interesting. What I know for sure? I do not want to be in the classroom anymore. I don’t know what the future holds for me right now in terms of my career in education. I will just leave it at that for now. 

∗Staying connecting to God. Meditation + prayer + breathing to keep my anxiety at bay. Allowing God to lead me has always worked. So I’ll stick with that plan.

∗My healing crystals are my companions. I have them placed in my bedroom and living room to keep the positive energies flowing. I also smudge to clear the space of any negativity or stifling energies. 

’til next time,

Love + Light,